Tiger at the Bat

with apologies to Ernest Thayer author of Casey at the Bat

The Enquirer rumors fueled some rocky moments for Tiger on Turkey day;

The golfer refuted rumors about Rachel that she was yet another game for him to play.

And then when Elin went to bed and Eldrick did the same;

A ringing cellphone disturbed the silence of the beneficiaries of his fame.

Elin arose to respond to the summons, while Tiger was at rest ;

Elin clung to that hope, which springs eternal in the human breast.

Hesitantly, she thought, if only Tiger could credibly deny this rumor or that;

The family had a chance to survive with fame and fortune standing pat.

But Holly came before Rachel, as did also Cori Rist;

The former was a porn star, the latter a party girl on the list.

So upon this ringing cellphone, Elin’s grim melancholy sat;

For there seemed but little chance of Tiger’s lies getting off the mat.

And when Elin saw the text from Rachel, she shrieked loud for one and all;

And reached for Tiger’s golf clubs and unfurled a swung to tear the cover off the ball.

And when the dust had lifted, the trophy case was destroyed;

While Tiger stumbled down the stairs to understand the commotion he had heard.

Then from Elin’s Viking throat, there rose a lusty scream;

It rumbled through the kitchen, it rattled Tiger from his dream.

Elin smashed the table with the iron and threatened to choke Tiger’s precious throat;

And Tiger, frightened Tiger, began running like the Olympian Bolt.

There was anger in Elin’s manner as she smashed everything in the place;

There was fury in Elin’s thrashing as she aimed at Tiger’s face.

And when, Elin failed to respond to begging pleas, Tiger fled to the car;

But Elin bashed in the back windshield before Tiger could get very far.

The neighbors came out to see Tiger, curled up asleep in the dirt;

The car had hit a hydrant and blood was on Tiger’s shirt.

While Tiger concocted a story to reporters that he gave;

Elin ,the heroine in the accident, was given credit for a save.

And now the stories of Tiger girls are coming from everywhere;

While Tiger tries to hide, pleading privacy, no more haughty grandeur there.

But our Nordic lady is devastated, while the playmates get attention;

While her lawyers redo the prenup “Infidelity? Did we mention?”

From the media, exploding with rumors, there went up a huge roar;

Like the spectators at the Masters appreciating his fabulous golf score.

Who is next ? what other woman? shouted every blog in the land;

And it is likely reporters would have stormed the house had not Tiger raised his hand.

With a retreat to his ship “Privacy” Tiger apologized with shame;

While Elin bought a house in Sweden and put it in her name.

And next fair weather sponsor Accenture, declined its option to renew;

While Nike ignored the fuss and proclaimed Tiger is far from through.

“Fraud!” cried the maddened thousands, and an echo answered fraud;

But another win at the Masters and we know the audience will be awed.

If a player in the NBA were reported to have 15 possibilities for his night;

We would not even shrug , and might even think the number 15 was light .

News they may divorce as the scandal news ebbs and floes;

How the future will evolve not even the apologetic Tiger knows.

Tiger has been hanging with MJ and Charles and figures that plan has got to go;

He learned he can’t keep up with MJ , a man of excess we all know.

O h somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;

The band is playing somewhere and somewhere hearts are light.

And somewhere men are laughing and somewhere children shout;

But there is no joy in Orlando, mighty Tiger has struck out.